Heart Broken

My Bible study this past week was on broken hearts. Kind of ironic that the week ended with Valentine's Day but as I read I learned a lot about myself and the health of my own heart.

I like to refer to myself as a "tough" girl. Not the kind that can kick your butt, I'm talking about the kind that can't be hurt or at least the kind you can't tell is hurt. I've always had a pretty high tolerance to physical pain (we're not talking childbirth here) but emotionally, I'm rock solid. A lot like my dad, you won't see us cry. I get that about-to-cry-burning-sensation in my sinuses and fight it like an ear biting, lisp speaking boxer and come out a champ every time. I can't stand for someone to see me cry. I get embarrassed and feel extremely vulnerable. Don't get me wrong, I do feel sad and am moved by many things I just don't allow myself the freedom to express what I am feeling. I'm not sure why I am this way. It's not that I have suffered multiple losses in my life it's just something I guess I have always done as a form of self-preservation.

Then this week during my Bible study, Breaking Free by Beth Moore, I read something that opened my eyes to the condition of my heart. In the study Beth writes, "Life's way of reacting to a crushed heart is to wrap tough sinews of flesh around it and tempt us to promise we'll never let ourselves get hurt again. That's not God's way. Remember, self-made fortresses built to protect our hearts not only keep love from going out but they keep love from coming in. We risk becoming captives in our own protective fortresses." I realized that though I might not have suffered devastating losses in my life there have been little hurts here and there that have stung just enough to convince me to build a fort around my heart. I have been a captive of my own fortress.

I am slowly breaking free of the strongholds Satan has tried to use against me and I have come to see a vulnerable heart is not a bad thing. It's a heart that may be broken but one that can be healed and used for God's glory. It has been hard but the walls of Ft. Carrie have been coming down and I'm learning how to let the Lord bandage the cracks that have been hidden in my heart. I know I can trust the Lord to protect my heart but if he chooses to allow some breaking to occur I will allow Him to use it for His purpose.

Ok, so the words from Elvis's song "Heartbreak Hotel" are rolling around in my head and I can't help but laugh so...since my baby's still with me, his favorite dinner's on the menu tonight, pasta with tomatoes and scallops, will make him a happy man alright...

Pasta with Tomatoes and Scallops
1 lb fresh scallops (or shrimp)
1 lb rigate pasta
12 roma or plum tomatoes, chopped
3 large cloves garlic, minced
1/4 cup olive oil
1/2 cup fresh basil, chopped
Freshly grated Parmesan cheese

Cook pasta according to directions then drain and set aside. Rinse scallops then pat dry and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Heat oil in large pan over med heat. Add garlic and saute for a minute then add scallops. Cook until scallops are golden brown on both sides. Add tomatoes and reduce heat to simmer. Stir well then add basil. Let simmer for 5 minutes then add pasta and toss. Serve with Parmesan cheese, a salad and fresh baked bread.